Aragorn Trail
by Nimfea
Summary: this is what would happen if Aragorn, and the hobbits had their trip from Bree to Rivendell as if they were stuck in the p.c. game Oregon Trail. Please R&R! =o)


Disclaimer:  
  
thanks to Cassandra Claire for inspiring the insanity, (the Very Secret Diaries are the best!), Oregon Trail for providing the tragic events and dear Professor Tolkien for being a freaking genius. I don't own anything, even though I wish I did. (especially Aragorn... :dreamy expression: oh...sorry... :grin:) If I did own them, I most likely would not be posting stories here.lol oh yeah, and I don't have anything against Liv Tyler, just that she *so* does not deserve to get kissed by Viggo. =o)  
  
The first one was in Aragorn's point of view. I might write some more of the same story from some of the hobbit's point of view, though those will most likely be a lot shorter because due to evil whims of Oregon Trail killing them off. lol  
  
Or if you have any requests, and can think of a leader (a.k.a. trail journal writer) and 4 other people from LoTR for me to torture.err, I mean write about. I'll gladly do it.  
  
Peace out, Elwen  
  
*****  
  
April 1, 1848 Okay, I'm starting this stupid trail journal in order to keep my sanity. Gandalf sent a letter to Barliman that I should lead these four hobbits to Rivendell. Some business about an all powerful ring that threatens to take over the world or something. Whatever. I just want to see my girlfriend. No, it's not who you think.  
  
We just left Bree and we're heading off to Rivendell. We started down the trail with:  
  
10 oxen  
  
10 sets of clothing  
  
200 bullets  
  
3 wagon wheels  
  
3 wagon axles  
  
3 wagon tongues  
  
500 pounds of food  
  
April 5, 1848 We have arrived at the Kansas River Crossing.  
  
April 6, 1848 The wagon tipped over while floating. We lost: 138 pounds of food  
  
Merry (drowned)  
  
Pippin (drowned)  
  
:bleep: Gandalf's gonna have my ass for this. They were getting really annoying though. Always talking about doing obscene things with vegetables.  
  
April 8, 1848 We shot 477 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Starting to wish Merry and Pippin were back. Not being able to carry all of the buffalo was an insult to my rugged manliness.  
  
April 9, 1848 Decided to stay in the same place so my manliness wouldn't feel so insulted. Fro Fro really likes my buffalo burgers. Ranger specialty, dontcha know. We shot 271 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.  
  
We lost 39 pounds of food due to spoilage. Curse the elements.  
  
April 11, 1848 Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.  
  
April 13, 1848 We have arrived at the Big Blue River Crossing. Hope Fro Fro and Sam don't drown as well, otherwise my ass is grass.  
  
April 14, 1848 We had no trouble floating the wagon across. My ass is safe for another day.  
  
Oh yeah- Still not king.  
  
An ox wandered off for 2 days. Fruity ox.  
  
April 17, 1848 Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.  
  
April 20, 1848 Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. They don't call 'em the Misty Mountains for nothin'.  
  
April 22, 1848 We shot 269 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.  
  
April 23, 1848 We shot 569 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Stupid weakling halflings.  
  
We found an abandoned wagon containing: 2 sets of clothing  
  
We lost 62 pounds of food due to spoilage. Heard Sam say that I smell worse than rotten bison. It's better than reeking of strawberry scented bubble bath, if you ask me.  
  
April 24, 1848 We have reached Fort Kearney.  
  
April 25, 1848 Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. Sat thinking in the freaking mist- Still not king.  
  
April 28, 1848 A thief stole 3 sets of clothing. Butthead.  
  
May 4, 1848 We found some wild fruit. Strawberries, as luck would have it.  
  
May 5, 1848 We have reached Chimney Rock.  
  
May 7, 1848 We shot 97 pounds of meat. Stupid antelope.  
  
Bad water.  
  
May 8, 1848 Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.  
  
May 10, 1848 We have reached Fort Laramie.  
  
No grass for the oxen.  
  
May 12, 1848 Bad water.  
  
May 13, 1848 We found an abandoned wagon containing:  
  
2 sets of clothing  
  
No grass for the oxen.  
  
May 15, 1848 Frodo has cholera. I want to help, as Gandalf will turn me into something unnatural if I don't, but Sam has threatened to kill me if I try anything. The wagon reeks of strawberries. We should have never found that fruit.  
  
May 16, 1848 We decided to rest for 3 days.  
  
May 22, 1848 We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed. Rugged manliness is extremely dissed. Still not king. :pout: Broken wagon wheel.  
  
We fixed the broken wagon wheel. Rugged manliness feels much better now.  
  
May 24, 1848 Frodo is well again. I make him sit on the other side of the camp because, darn he smells like freakin' strawberries. I dunno where the hell Sam got the bath water from. Fro Fro still thinks Sam is showing his brotherly platonic love, even when Sam keeps giving him baths after he feels better. He thinks he's an innocent hobbit from the Shire. I know better.  
  
Sam has a broken leg. He probably did that just to spite me about complaining about the fruity smell. Gonna have to bind his leg. No way in Hell I'm going to give him a bubble bath.  
  
We lost 40 pounds of food due to spoilage.  
  
May 26, 1848 We shot 3 pounds of meat. Made rabbit stew for Sam. Skinned conies with my bare hands to show rugged manliness.  
  
May 29, 1848 We shot 3 pounds of meat. Made squirrel gumbo. Secret Ranger recipe Halbarad gave me a few years back. Squirrel is excellent for keeping stubble in prime grungines.  
  
Sam was near death, but I was able to help. Gonna rest at the big white rock thing.  
  
May 30, 1848 We have reached Independence Rock.  
  
We decided to rest for 4 days. I...I gave Sam bubble bath. He should be better soon, otherwise...I am scarred for life...  
  
June 5, 1848 No grass for the oxen.  
  
June 6, 1848 No water.  
  
We lost 25 pounds of food due to spoilage.  
  
June 8, 1848 We shot 342 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Killed fat deer thing. Was very tasty, but Mr. Blue Eyes couldn't enjoy it because he was all pouty and angsty over Sam. I let him give Sam a bath. Note to self: Never do that again.  
  
June 9, 1848 Bad water.  
  
No grass for the oxen.  
  
June 10, 1848 No water.  
  
A thief stole 8 oxen. @#$%&^#*!!!!!!!  
  
June 11, 1848 We found some wild fruit. Let Frodo and Sam enjoy themselves while I bargained for more oxen. There's just no stopping them.  
  
We traded 273 dollars for 8 oxen. Daddly El will not be happy about me spending my allowance that way.  
  
June 12, 1848 Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.  
  
June 13, 1848 No water.  
  
June 15, 1848 We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed. Screw the stupid squirrels. Stubble is still sexy without them.  
  
Frodo has a broken leg. Ai, Elbereth- have mercy! Now they both have broken legs! No...NO- I will not give them both bubble baths. Pervy hobbit fancying genes must be quashed...  
  
We lost 36 pounds of food due to spoilage.  
  
June 17, 1848 No water.  
  
We lost 31 pounds of food due to spoilage.  
  
We have arrived at the South Pass.  
  
We decided to rest for 5 days.  
  
June 23, 1848 Sam is well again. I think I will need to see an Elven psychiatrist when I get to Rivendell. Where the Hell did they sell all of this soap in Bree?  
  
June 24, 1848 Frodo died of dysentery. Sam is so gonna kill me now. I'm afraid that Arwen might have taught him how to kill human men silently using a fork and a rubber band, so I am constantly looking over my shoulder. Now Gandalf and Bilbo are both going to have my head, along with it's stubbly manliness. Sam has the ring now. He is extremely pouty and angsty. Now it's just him and me...must quell PHF instincts...  
  
Sam has the measles. :bleep:  
  
June 25, 1848 We decided to rest for 5 days.  
  
We lost 21 pounds of food due to spoilage.  
  
June 28, 1848 We shot 315 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.  
  
June 29, 1848 We shot 305 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. How's that for one Ranger manliness?  
  
July 4, 1848 Bad water.  
  
No grass for the oxen.  
  
July 5, 1848 Sam is well again. Thanks be to the Valar. Only problem is, now I must really watch my back as Sam is up and about again. I have hidden all of the rubber bands.  
  
July 6, 1848 Bad water.  
  
Broken wagon axle.  
  
We couldn't fix the wagon axle, but we replaced it from supplies. Insult to my manliness. It's Sam's fault though. I kept looking over my shoulder so see if he had found the rubber bands.  
  
July 8, 1848 No water.  
  
No grass for the oxen.  
  
July 10, 1848 Sam has a fever. He must be doing this on purpose. Well, at least I can take out the rubber bands again.  
  
July 11, 1848 We decided to rest for 2 days.  
  
July 13, 1848 We lost 48 pounds of food due to spoilage.  
  
July 15, 1848 We shot 186 pounds of meat. Had to leave Sam alone to go hunting, so I took the forks with me.  
  
Bad water.  
  
July 16, 1848 We have arrived at the Green River Crossing.  
  
July 21, 1848 The ferry broke loose from moorings. I lost: 4 oxen  
  
2 wagon wheels  
  
3 wagon tongues  
  
Sam (drowned)  
  
Well, just plain peachy. What the Hell is the point of going to Rivendell now? At least I don't have to give him any more baths. :shiver: At least in Rivendell I can be comforted by my Elven lover. Hope Arwen doesn't find out. Otherwise, I'm screwed. She used to get all prissy and bratty on me all the time. :cough: Liv Tyler :cough:  
  
I lost 57 pounds of food due to spoilage.  
  
July 23, 1848 No grass for the oxen.  
  
July 24, 1848 I will now travel at a more strenuous pace. Can't wait to get to Nimfëa. *wink*  
  
July 26, 1848 Bad water.  
  
I lost 50 pounds of food due to spoilage.  
  
July 30, 1848 Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. Sat in the mist and thought again- Still not King.  
  
July 31, 1848 I have reached Soda Springs.  
  
August 1, 1848 I lost 43 pounds of food due to spoilage.  
  
August 3, 1848 I have reached Fort Hall.  
  
I visited the store and bought:  
  
2 oxen  
  
1 wagon wheel  
  
2 wagon tongues  
  
A thief stole 3 oxen. A-hole. I just bought freakin' oxen.  
  
August 4, 1848 I will now travel at a steady pace.  
  
August 5, 1848 I will now travel at a more strenuous pace.  
  
August 10, 1848 Bad water.  
  
August 11, 1848 I was bitten by a snake. Sitting in the bathtub. Not good.  
  
I decided to rest for 5 days.  
  
[ End of Journal. ]  
  
On August 12, 1848, Aragorn died of dysentery.  
  
Aragorn was buried next to his mother Gilraen. His epitaph reads- Still not King. 


End file.
